Have you ever noticed a negative reaction from your husband after giving him advice or telling him how he should do something?
Are you confused by this negative reaction, when all you are trying to do is help? I was too! That’s why I wrote this podcast for you.
I’ll share a personal story and a better way to help your husband that will create more connection instead of conflict.
If you would like more inspiration, download my Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care HERE!
And join us in the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
Welcome to A Life Designed!
My name is Tina Haisman.
I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
The topic of today’s podcast is …
Why You Shouldn’t Help Your Husband Solve His Problems
But before we get started, I have something for you. It is my Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care. It’s a Guide to help you take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit so you can feel like your best self every day. Visit my website tinahaisman.com to download it.
I would also like to invite you to my private group on Facebook where you can come to get positive inspiration for your life. Search A Life Designed in the facebook search bar.
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about …
Why You Shouldn’t Help Your Husband Solve His Problems
It’s so tempting isn’t it? Hubby comes home from work frustrated about something, and you want to tell him how to handle it. To help him, of course.
Have you ever noticed that he gets angry with you after you do try to make suggestions? Uh-huh. Me too.
So there is something important you need to know. When we give our husband advice on how to handle his problems, the message he hears is that we think he is not capable of figuring it out on his own. Honestly. It hurts them deeply.
Remember what social researcher Shaunti Feldhahn has taught us about men. There is a series of questions that haunt them. They are, “Am I able? Do I measure up? Am I any good at what I do?”
When surveyed, 75-85% of men said these questions are circulating in their minds MOST of the time.
More than anything, our husbands want to know we think they are rock stars. That we think they can handle any problem that comes their way.
So, when we offer suggestions to our husband’s problems, we are actually doing more harm than good. It would be better to tell them we believe in them and we know they will figure it out.
So, what are you to do instead of offering advice or your wisdom. Let me illustrate with a success story. And believe me – I had many failure stories before I got here. But I love this story and I want to share it with you.
There was a time several years ago when I noticed my husband was aggravated, so I asked him what was bothering him and he shared with me something he was frustrated about. I let him tell his story. I stopped what I was doing to actively listen. I expressed my understanding of how frustrating that must be.
So, for the record, this is the best way to handle the situation.
But boy was it a struggle! And I bet you can relate here. Because I totally had judgment around his situation. I honestly thought he was in the wrong and not in a good place to see it. He just wanted to do what he wanted to do. Please note that I am not saying I was correct with my thoughts. They were just my thoughts.
But instead of opening my mouth, I held those thoughts captive. I’m sharing this with you, so you can see how holding our thoughts captive can be the most helpful, loving thing we can do for our spouse. I have learned that everything that my mind thinks does not need to come out of my mouth.
In the past I would have pushed him to talk about it more. I would have shared my opinion and told him what I thought he should do. I might have been frustrated that he was crabby. I might have even let his crabbiness infect me. That really stinks when that happens! Because then you have two crabby people! Plus, my job as a wife is to support, not create more stress, right!
Thankfully, I have learned so much on this marriage journey that I decided to support him by letting him lead the way for his evening and what he wanted to do with those emotions. I did not take them on as my own emotions. He wasn’t unbearable, just crabby. And he really didn’t take it out on any of us. He just simmered inside.
Then later, as we were going to bed, I thought about bringing it up to let him talk it out a bit. Knowing that men are sometimes more talkative when they don’t have to look us straight in the eyes. Bedtime in the dark can be a great time for meaningful conversations.
But I thought better of it this time. I knew he was exhausted and I wasn’t sure anything productive would come out of it. So, instead I prayed for him. I prayed that God would grant him wisdom to see the situation with fresh eyes in the morning and help him find possible solutions.
The next morning, I quite very honestly, woke him up early for some intimate time. (Because that is what you might have to do if you have teenagers in the house who stay up at night later than you do.) Goodness times have changed. But I digress!
Then we had coffee and sat outside shortly after sunrise. The weather was gorgeous. The birds were chirping and visiting our bird feeder. The skies were clear and blue. All of our flowers are blooming in the back yard, so it’s just a lovely place to be. I worked on my prayer time and he worked on his computer. I didn’t know specifically what he was up to, but I had a feeling he was working on his problem. Neither of us had had enough of our coffee to talk yet, so we didn’t for a while.
After I finished praying, I went inside to work out. And when I was finished, he came inside and shared with me that he had found solutions to his problem. And taken several action steps toward getting them going in the right direction.
I could see and feel his happy, hopeful mood. He said, “I just couldn’t deal with it yesterday. I was too burned out.”
I told him I understood and that I thought the action steps he took were awesome and exciting! They were!
Then he offered to drive my son to school. I loved that idea! Wow!
I wanted to share this story with you, because I think many women make the same mistakes that I have made in the past. We push them to “talk about it,” we give them advice and we take their crabbiness personally.
But none of these things are right or healthy!
And do you remember that little bit about spending some intimate time in the morning? That was by design, as well.
Girls. I know culture tells you that sex for a man is primarily a physical desire. But research proves otherwise. It is deeply emotional for them. When your husband knows that you desire him, it gives him confidence in every other area of his life. It speaks to his heart. It tells him that he is enough and that you want to be with him.
Think about it. Your husband has a rough day at work. Is feeling down and frustrated, but there you are. Strong and supportive and even desiring him when he feels like the rest of the world is against him. It’s powerful stuff, girls. So keep that in your back pocket for some day in the future.
OK. I think that’s enough for today!
I know all of this marriage talk is easier said than done, so if you would like to work on this with a coach, reach out to me for a complimentary consultation. I can help you!
Thank you! See you next time!