I was talking to a client the other day and she realized she was constantly questioning her worthiness in her marriage.
She realized that if her husband did or said the things she needed him to, she felt worthy and loved. She felt complete.
But if he didn’t do them, she subconsciously took that as a sign that he did not love her and she was not worthy.
That reminded me of the infamous line in the movie Jerry Maguire where Jerry says to his estranged wife, “You complete me.”
In today’s podcast I’ll teach you where your true worth and completion come from and help you take that pressure off of your husband and your marriage.
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Welcome to A Life Designed.
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves and their families. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
The topic of today’s podcast is Why the Movie Jerry Maguire is Bad for Marriages
But before we get started I want to let you know I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. I hope you’ll join us!
Also, I have created a free download call the Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care. It’s a Guide to help you take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit so you can feel like your best self every day. Visit my website tinahaisman.com to download it.
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about Why the Movie Jerry Maguire is Bad for Marriages
Now before you get all mad at me, I’m not hating on this movie, I promise! I loved it! Great movie!
Of course, the particular scene I loved so much was when Jerry walks into a room where Dorothy, his estranged wife, is with a bunch of women. It’s a tense moment where Jerry delivers a monologue about why he needs his wife back. He completes his monologue by saying, “You complete me.”
Dorothy melts and says, “You had me at Hello.” Another famous line from that movie. It’s an intense scene. And it feels so romantic. True love wins!
The hopeless romantic in me loves it!
But the life coach in me knows that there is fault in actually thinking that this is how love is supposed to be.
In the real world … the phrase, “You complete me.” is dangerous. Because we do not need another human being to complete us. We ourselves are complete. Just the way we are. We have everything we need inside of us.
Because I am a woman of faith, I am going to say, we are complete because God made us complete. And God is the only “person” … if you will … that we ever truly need.
In case you need a biblical reference, how about Colossians 2:10, which says: and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.
Girlfriends, I learned this lesson the hard way. And it wasn’t until my marriage crisis that I truly understood that it was God who completes me. Not my husband.
I want you to imagine you and your husband when you first met. You were two independent people who came together. Imagine you are both standing tall in front of each other. Smiling at each other. You are each your own person, carrying your own baggage.
Now imagine you lean forward and put all of your weight on your husband. He now has the burden of carrying his own weight and yours. This is too much pressure for another human.
This is what happens when we need our husband to complete us.
And it causes tension when we think we are being shortchanged because he is not doing or saying the things we need him to say in order for us to be happy, whole and complete.
And this will probably happen often, because he will likely never be able to fill all of your needs. Because no matter how hard he works, you will never truly feel the fulfillment of that need. You will just keep wanting more and more of him.
This is because he is not the ONE you need. That is God.
God is the only person who can fulfill the need that you feel. And when you give that to God, instead of putting it on your husband, you will feel so much freedom in your life.
But Hollywood doesn’t tell you this. Popular culture doesn’t tell you this. They only show you impossible romance stories that don’t happen in real life.
Did you ever notice how all the Disney princess movies end at the wedding when the prince and princess finally get married? As if that’s the end of the story. It could subconsciously be a little misleading.
I don’t mean to dis the princess movies either. Love them! But we’ve gotta just enjoy them as entertainment and let the movie world romance expectations go.
This is not how it works in the real world. And it’s not healthy.
Our spouse should not complete us. We should not need them to feel complete or happy.
If you’ve listened to me for a while now, you will know I often borrow a phrase from Dr. Corey Allan, who says, “Your spouse should be the icing on the cake of your life.”
I love that! It’s a great word picture, right? Imagine a big, beautiful wedding cake. The cake itself is delicious, but the icing on the top of the cake makes the cake taste even better. The cake is your life. The frosting is your life with your husband! Delicious!
So, it is in marriage. We are each complete and whole by ourselves. but we complement each other. We are not going to crumble without each other.
Paul and I are a great complement to each other, I think. We each bring our own strengths to our marriage.
For example, he is spontaneous. I am a planner. I need him to help me be more spontaneous sometimes, and he needs me to help him plan sometimes.
He’s a risk-taker. I’m a play it safe kind of girl. He needs me to warn him sometimes to play it safer, and I need him to encourage me sometimes to take more risks.
Also, I’m a rule-follower, but Paul believes rules are meant to be broken. I need him to show me that sometimes, it’s OK to break the rules. And he needs me to show him that sometimes you really need to follow the rules.
So, we complement each other in this way.
The attitude that is healthy is that we love our husbands and we choose to be married to them, but we don’t “need” them. We are not going to die if we don’t have them.
So now that we have established that … what do we do with the thought that we NEED them?
Let’s have some fun! Experiment with me will you?
Let’s examine our thoughts. Starting with the thought that “I need my husband.”
When you think that thought, “I need my husband.” How does that make you feel? Pay attention to your body when you are thinking this. When I think “I need my husband.” I feel stress. I feel a tightening in my chest. A nervousness in my stomach.
That is because the thought “I need him” causes worry about whether or not he will be there for me. And will he meet my needs?
And it gives complete control over my happiness to him. Can you see that? With the thought, “I need him,” if he meets my needs I will be happy, but if he does not, I will not be happy. Wow. That feels stressful.
Now, think. “I choose my husband.” How does that feel? For me, it is so much more relaxing. And enjoyable. I feel a release from the tension in my chest. In fact, it allows me to take a deep breath. And I feel like it puts a more fun spin on our relationship. Now I can just enjoy him instead of “needing” him. Do you see what I mean?
When I simply choose my husband the pressure for him to meet my needs is off. And that brings much more peace and enjoyment to our relationship.
I can not express the importance of looking at your thoughts enough. Because your thoughts determine your feelings.
So, if you’re struggling with this, please take some time and do this exercise and see what you discover about yourself. I hope it helps.
I hope this information has helped you shift your attitude from one of need to one of enjoyment.
So, girls. I know this is all easier said than done. It definitely takes practice. I’d love to be by your side and help you.
Reach out to me for a complimentary marriage coaching call. We can take a look at where you are, where you want to be and what is holding you back.
Remember! I have created the Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care to help you feel like your best self every day. You will find it on my website.
Don’t forget to join the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
Thank you! See you next week!