When I speak on marriage, I often try to encourage women to take the lead on improving their marriage relationship. But I often hear a common complaint about this theory — “It’s not fair.”
I get it. I’ve been there. I know how overwhelmed many of us moms are. And so often, it feels like we can’t take on one more thing. Why should we have to be the one’s to “work” on our marriage.
In today’s podcast, I’d like to show you what to do when you are feeling like it’s not fair in your relationship. It’s not about taking on more work, it’s about changing the type of effort you are putting in and receiving massive results.
I hope this helps!
If you would like more inspiration, download my Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care HERE!
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Welcome to A Life Designed.
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
The topic of today’s podcast is When Marriage Isn’t Fair
But before we get started I want to let you know I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. I hope you’ll join us!
Also, I have created a free download call the Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care. It’s a Guide to help you take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit so you can feel like your best self every day. Visit my website tinahaisman.com to download it.
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about that question so many women have of When Marriage Isn’t Fair.
And get ready, because you are about to hear some passion from me, sweet sisters.
The theory I approach my marriage coaching from is that one person can change the marriage. The way it works is that if the wife will go first, and start making positive changes in her marriage, her husband will follow suit, and he will change too.
I have statistics to back up the fact that this works. And research is still being done on this approach.
So, I do a fair bit of public speaking on marriage. And at the end of almost every talk there is at least one woman who will say, “But it’s not fair. Why should the wife have to do all of the work?”
My friends. I get it. I sympathize. I know. I’ve been there. I really have.
Most of you know I have experienced a pretty sizeable marriage crisis and restored my marriage. So please know that this perspective is coming to you with love from someone who has lived it and helps others live it too.
I know that as moms we are already so overburdened with everything we have to do. And that having to do work in our marriage feels like one more item on our to-do list. And it feels unfair, because we likely blame our husband is the one at fault for the struggles we are experiencing in our marriage.
We think, “If only HE would do this. Or if HE would do that, everything would be so much better, and I would be happier.”
Sisters. I hear you. But that line of thinking is flawed.
The first idea I want to offer you today is that the thought, “It’s not fair that I have to do all the work in my marriage,” is not serving you.
The way to know that is to notice how you feel when you think it. I’m guessing. It makes you feel terrible. Sad. Hopeless.
Why do we continue to think thoughts that make us feel terrible? And why do we accept them as reality?
When we think thoughts that make us feel terrible, we do not take inspired action in our lives.
In fact, sometimes we take action that creates more disconnection instead of connection, like being angry and telling our husband how he should be better and different.
Or just allowing these negative thoughts to ruminate in your mind and subconsciously be looking for evidence that our husband is not doing enough.
Your thoughts create your feelings, and your feelings drive the actions you do or do not take.
So, just question that fairness thought first. Look at how it’s making you feel. Look at the actions you are taking because of that thought.
If the action you are taking is not achieving your goal of having a happier marriage, then please try something else.
And that is the second idea I want to offer you. ACTION!
You have the ability to go get whatever it is that you want in your relationship.
You don’t have to sit and wait for your husband to figure it out.
Because if you are waiting, you might be waiting for a long time.
And by the way, if you happen to think there is another man out there who does get it, you would be sorely mistaken.
So the question to ask yourself is, “What do I want?”
Do you want more intimacy? Go create it!
You want more romance? Do something romantic!
You want more help with the kids? Ask for it!
You want more date nights? Plan them!
Oh, I hear you. You want your husband to plan a date night?! Ask him! But here’s a warning. If you do that, you can’t complain about his plans! You’ll crush him. That’s why he’s not planning the dates, by the way.
I am suggesting we choose to get our minds right and take action to create the results we want instead of sitting around sad and depressed that our husband is not doing something we want him to do.
This gets us out of a negative mindset. It makes us feel happier. More empowered. More hopeful. And it also creates a positive atmosphere for our husband. It opens the door to better communication. More fun. More teamwork.
AND You will invite your husband into a space of creating great things in your marriage too.
If you will work on your marriage in the way that I am suggesting, you’ll be enjoying your time in your marriage. And you will be where I am at. Which is feeling like your husband couldn’t do more for you. I want that for you.
I have a million stories of my own, but don’t take it from me. Let me tell you the story of an acquaintance who tried this for the first time.
A couple of years ago I was speaking to a moms group and at the end of the talk I invited the women to participate in The Husband Challenge with me. It’s a 21 Day plan for doing one nice thing for your husband every day. It was created by Kathi Lipp.
When I asked if anyone had any questions, one young mom put up her hand. It was clear she was in disgust.
When I called on her, she said only one word, “WHY?”
It turns out she was so frustrated with the unfair workload in her home that she could not imagine doing something nice for her husband for 21 days in a row.
So, here’s how things went down. I set up the private group on Facebook and the moms started joining. This particular mom was the last one to join. I wasn’t even sure if she would join. But I was so relieved that she did!
And would you believe it! She was one of the first ones to post after the first day of the project! The first two words of her post caught my attention. She wrote, “Shut UP!”
This is what she wrote …
“Shut up. I just made the hubby dinner so it was hot when he got here. Let him eat while I bathed the kids...y'all he did the dishes. ? it's on next week!”
I share this with you to show you that good things can come from going first.
We can all have the bliss this woman felt on that night, if only we will stop trying to make everything fair. And the truth is. Keeping score in marriage never works.
I’d like to leave you with you with a quote from Kathi Lipp, author of The Husband Project.
"So as I see it, you have two choices. One, we can keep playing the game, logging an ever-increasing list of resentments in our head and making ourselves and our husbands miserable. Or two, we can go counterintuitive and live a radical, Christ-like way when it comes to our marriage, putting our husband's needs before our own (or those of our kids..) We can start seeing our choice to serve our husbands not as an edict or some clause in our marital contract, but as an out-pouring (or in some cases, restoring) of our love and adoration for our guys."
If you will give this approach a try, you just might find more peace, love and happiness in your marriage. The rewards are many.
If you want to get here, where you can find this level of determination and positivity about your marriage, reach out to me for a complimentary consultation. We can talk about your unique situation and solutions.
In the meantime. Remember! I have created the Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care to help you feel like your best self every day. You will find it on my website.
Don’t forget to join the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
Thank you! See you next week!