Sometime before 10 a.m. on Mother’s Day 2020 I realized my family had not made any plans for the day. The kids were still sleeping and missed breakfast and Mass. I was upset.
In this episode of the podcast I am going to share with you what I did to handle my emotions that day and how my coach taught me to honor myself for my feelings and let the anger go, so I didn’t ruin the entire day.
I hope this helps!
For more inspiration, join me in my private A Life Designed community on Facebook.
Also, I have created a free Marriage Communication Masterclass for you! This class is for you if you want to stop fighting with your husband and feel like you are on the same team.
Welcome to A Life Designed.
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
The topic of today’s podcast is … What to do When You Are Angry
But before we get started I want to let you know I have created a free video on Communication in Marriage for you. This video is for you if you have ever felt like you can’t get through to your husband. If you feel like your husband never listens to you. If you lose your cool during difficult conversations. If you’re tired of fighting with your husband.
In just 30 minutes, this video will help you lay the foundation for healthy communication in marriage and teach you how to handle difficult conversations so you can feel more connected and like you’re on the same team as your husband. Visit the link in the show notes to access it.
Also I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. I hope you’ll join us!
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about … What to do When You Are Angry
At 9:30 a.m. on Mother’s Day 2020, my husband made the two of us a wonderful breakfast, which I certainly appreciated. But something was missing. The kids. They were still in bed.
Next thing you know, it is 10 a.m., the time Mass starts at our church. If we were not in quarantine, we would have actually been at church at 10 a.m., but since we are in quarantine, we would watch it live from home.
Well, 10 a.m. rolls around and no children are in sight. So, I watch Mother’s Day Mass alone. That made me sad.
After Mass was over, I went upstairs to shower and got ready for the day. Feeling sad and mad.
I also want to take responsibility here and say that I did not share my wishes with my family in advance. Nor did they ask me. I think we should share in the blame there. What I would have preferred is that they asked me before the day what I might like to do that day. Or that they planned something. That they took the initiative. I felt hurt that they didn’t.
Although I felt this way, I did not want my emotions to ruin the day. When I get upset like this two things could happen – one is I might saying things harshly and the other is I tend to stop talking and go inside my head to try to work things out. It looks like the silent treatment. I don’t mean for it to be mean, but I am aware it comes off that way. It’s my way of working things out in my head.
I didn’t want to ruin the day with either of those things. So I decided to take responsibility for my feelings and the situation. And to decide what it was that I might like to do with my day.
So, I decided to start my day by taking a luxurious amount of time to shower and get ready.
I wanted the time to be peaceful, so I said a lot of prayers and even a rosary during that time. I was trying to put my mind and my heart in the right place so I could be the best version of myself when I walked out of that bathroom.
Suddenly, Paul is knocking on the bathroom door telling me the kids are waiting for me downstairs. What is taking me so long? It’s shortly before noon at this point.
I tried to gently say, “OK. I’ll be down soon.” But he wouldn’t let it be. He pushed my buttons with his tone of voice insinuating that I was keeping my children waiting. Those same children who didn’t get up until almost Noon on Mother’s Day.
I told him I just needed some time alone, hoping he would honor that and go away before I lost it. I was trying to manage my emotions. Then he asked the dreaded question. “What is wrong?” And it wasn’t the caring what is wrong question. It was more like what is your problem—like there shouldn’t be anything wrong. Do you know what I mean?
I don’t want to lose my cool. So I breathe. I give him a half-smile. I tell him I’ll be down soon, and I continue praying for God to give me the grace to handle my emotions without ruining the day.
And that is where the magic is sisters. That’s what I want to talk to you about today.
Where I was at was feeling sad and mad and sorry for myself because I was not having the Mother’s Day I wanted to have. I did not feel loved, because my people weren’t doing it the way I thought they should.
But I know that if I lose it, let my emotions go unchecked and act like a jerk, it is only going to make the day worse. So, how do I honor myself. My emotions. My disappointment. Without hurting other people or making the day worse.
What I did on that day was a lot of prayer and breathing and mind work.
I took my time in coming down stairs. Then suggested a game of dominos, because the weather was absolutely horrible. This turned out to be a brilliant suggestion, because it was a distraction.
It was a gentle way to ease into conversation that allowed me to keep my cool.
After that I took a nap. Did some journaling to get my frustrations out. But I still felt sad and disappointed.
Luckily, I had a coaching appointment the next day, and that had to have been one of the most helpful coaching appointments I’ve ever had.
I told my coach that I didn’t want to be mad about this anymore. That I just wanted to move on. She said, “What if it’s OK to be mad about this?”
I was like, “Oh! That’s a concept.” I guess I thought being mad was bad, because it causes me to act out in ways that are not loving. And that’s what I’m trying to avoid.
She taught me how to do that in our session, and it is such an amazing gift. I was certainly on the right path with prayer and managing my mind, but there was the emotional component that she helped me with.
She said, “What if you could allow your emotions of anger without anyone knowing? What if you could go through your entire day, cooking and cleaning and interacting with your family, and nobody knew you were mad?”
I said, “I’m in! Sign me up! How do you do that?”
She said the way to do that is by processing the emotion. And she led me through a process of feeling the emotion of anger in my body and allowing it. That might sound scary, but it was actually very peaceful. After doing this with her, I felt some of the anger literally leave my body. I was amazed.
This brought me to tears of joy, because I felt like it was a way for me to honor myself and my emotions without hurting those around me.
She said to check in with it throughout the day. Just to notice it. Feel it. Let it be. This concept felt so loving to me. And the freedom from knowing I can be angry and deal with it without taking it out on other people.
She said after you process the emotion, then you can ask yourself how you want to feel about the situation. How you want to show up for your family.
For me, I want to show up as a grace-filled woman. Peaceful. Loving. Caring. Understanding. Having a good relationship with my family is more important to me than anything else in the world. And so I don’t want to let my emotions go unchecked and bring chaos into my home.
And she reiterated the importance of doing this work. She said, “You can’t love them until you love yourself.”
This is something that takes intention and work. And I am so grateful for the mentors in my life who have helped me to grow into the woman I want to be.
Friends, I’m here for you too. If you want help growing into the woman you want to be, reach out to me.
Please let me know if you have any specific questions.
If you would like to work on this with a coach, reach out to me for a complimentary consultation where you will get to experience what it’s like to have the full attention of an experienced life coach listening to you in a non-judgmental, compassionate setting.
We will take a look at where you are, where you want to be and come up with a plan to get you there. Just this conversation alone will give you relief from the challenges you are currently facing.
Remember to download my free marriage communication masterclass and don’t forget to join the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
Thank you! See you next week!