I once had a super-vivid dream that I had a new boyfriend. The love was fresh and new and fun. It was that honeymoon phase of love.
Do you remember that from your own relationship? Ahhhh…those were the days, right?
In this week’s podcast, I’ll give you one tip on how you can get some of those loving feelings back into your relationship no matter how long you’ve been married!
If you would like more inspiration, download my Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care HERE!
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Welcome to A Life Designed.
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves and their families. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
The topic of today’s podcast is What to do When the Honeymoon is Over
But before we get started I want to let you know I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. I hope you’ll join us!
Also, I have created a free download call the Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care. It’s a Guide to help you take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit so you can feel like your best self every day. Visit my website tinahaisman.com to download it.
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about What to do When the Honeymoon is Over
I once had a super-vivid dream that I had a new boyfriend. My husband was clearly not in the picture. I have no clue why. You know how dreams work! They don’t explain themselves.
So, in the dream I am walking with my new love, and we are all over each other. Holding hands. Hugging. Kissing. It seems like we can’t walk more than a few steps without him whisking me into his arms for a smooch.
It feels fantastic. I’m floating on air. The thought of Paul does flow through my mind, but I am so swept up in this romantic love. It feels so great to be desired. To have someone paying attention to me. To be so interested in me. And I just love physical affection.
As we were walking in this mall, my daughter and his daughter were walking with us. One on each side of us. I wondered for a brief moment what the girls were thinking about all of the PDA. But that didn’t stop me from partaking in it.
Wow. What a dream. I feel like I can still recall it so vividly. It feels like it really happened. Such wonderful feelings of love.
I think I know why I had the dream. I was reading a marriage book, that was talking about the difference between that initial honeymoon phase of love and real, mature love.
I think most of us would say that we love that honeymoon phase of love. It’s like you’re drunk with love. You can’t keep your hands off each other. You only think about each other. You do everything together. You agree on everything. You don’t see each other’s flaws. Everything is just pure bliss.
The average amount of time for this honeymoon phase is about six months, but it can last as long as two years.
The thing is. This type of love is not meant to last forever. It’s just part of the process. It would actually be dangerous to stay there too long, because you would tune out all of the other important things around you.
That type of love is not real love. Because Love is an action. When you are in this euphoric “in love” feeling, you are not in control of it. It’s just happening to you. It’s effortless.
Now I want you to hear me out on this … I’m going to say something you’re not expecting me to say. This beginning stage of love actually creates problems down the line – for 2 reasons.
The first reason is that it creates unrealistic expectations of experiencing euphoria for the rest of our marriage.
And the second reason is that we are usually very self-focused in the beginning of a relationship. Meaning, we are more focused on how wonderful the other person is making us feel by paying so much attention to us.
This approach won’t work long-term, after the euphoria has worn off.
Because real love is an action. It is a choice. It requires effort. And, it seeks the well-being of the OTHER person.
Don’t get me wrong, all the euphoria is a great way to get started, but when all of that falls away, then you get to work on the real love.
Far too often, we don’t know this. Sometimes we wonder if we need to walk away from the relationship when those feelings go away. And many times, we get stuck in a rut and we don’t know what to do about it.
So many people are searching for this euphoria. To feel this way again in their relationship.
The truth is we can cultivate passion again in our marriages in a healthy way. And when we do work to cultivate this passion, it is truly good for us in mind, body and spirit.
But how do we do that, right? That’s what you want to know. Oh gosh. There are so many different answers. But none of them is a magic pill.
Today I am going to give you one simple way you can increase the intimacy in your marriage and get the love you are dreaming about. Are you ready for it?
That one thing is to be intentional about spending time doing activities shoulder to shoulder with your husband.
Why? Because investing in your spouse will make him feel loved and respected, and in turn, he will feel more drawn to you and willing to be the intimate husband you are dreaming of.
So, why spending time shoulder to shoulder? Because men feel more intimacy and bonding toward their wives when they do things shoulder to shoulder, instead of face to face.
This is important. The way you feel bonding happening is different than the way your husband feels bonding happening. As a woman, you feel bonding happening through conversation and eye to eye contact, but men do not find this bonding. In fact, they can find it downright intimidating.
Let’s think for a moment about what men do when they get together with each other? They do an activity. Like watching sports. Going to a ballgame. Fishing. Golfing. They are doing something side by side.
That’s because that is their preference. Maybe you think it’s a strange male quirk, but the fact is that this is how God made men!
The good news is that this is an EASY way for you to increase the intimacy and friendship in your marriage. Just spend some time with your husband in shoulder to shoulder activities.
Maybe you go to a ballgame with him. Or a concert. Or hiking. Maybe you simply sit next to him on the couch and watch TV. Or maybe you help him with a household project.
In my own marriage, fishing, camping and watching football on TV are a few of the things I’ve done with my husband for the sake of my marriage.
They are not things that I would normally initiate on my own, but they help create more intimacy, friendship and fun in my marriage by doing them, and I’ve learned to appreciate each of them more.
Another example of this in my life is going to get a couple’s massage. It’s funny. I can tell he feels so connected afterward. He loves it! And I love that he loves it!
Now, I don’t necessarily feel more connected after an activity like this, because we did not talk. But that’s because of the difference in our communication and connection style.
But I know that in order for him to be ready to talk, it helps that he feels connected from a bonding-type activity.
Shoulder to shoulder activities with our husbands energizes them and allows them to be more able to talk to and connect with us when we need it.
Speaking of talking, here’s a little tip. It might sound odd, but you might not need to do a lot of talking during your shoulder to shoulder activities. I know that is how we women connect and feel connected, but that’s not how men do it. They are short on words, where we are long.
Try to respect your man’s need to just be with you shoulder to shoulder without any heavy conversations, and you’ll see how much it energizes him! He will love it!
But don’t lose all hope of a nice conversation! It might happen, but let him be the guide on that!!
So, yes. I know this solution of spending quality time with your husband shoulder to shoulder will take time. Remember, I said there is no magic pill. But what’s the hurry? You have a lifetime to work on it! Consider this an investment in your marriage.
And also an effort to try to be connected as friends the way you were before having children and the busyness of family life setting in.
This tip is also an important tip for communicating with your husband in general. Men find face-to-face communication with their wives to be very intense – especially if you are bringing a problem to him.
He will respond better to you if you will talk about it while doing something side-by-side. I often suggest a walk to my clients. One client recently told me about how it went when she tried this technique.
She said he was much more open to her complaint and they easily worked it out while walking. Neither of them got angry or upset. This was great progress from previous discussions!
So, give it a try. And let me know if your love is everything you are dreaming of when you are actively pursuing shoulder to shoulder communication with your man.
I hope this helps!
If this is something you would like to work on cultivating further, reach out to me for a Marriage Life Coaching session. We will talk about where you’re at, where you want to be and how you can get there.
Remember! I have created the Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care to help you feel like your best self every day. You will find it on my website.
Don’t forget to join the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
Thank you! See you next week!