What to do if You are Lonely in Your Marriage

Many women reach out to me for help in their marriage because they feel lonely. They are not alone, a national survey conducted in 2018 found more than 30 percent of married people report feeling lonely. Isn’t that crazy? 30 percent.

Well, help is here. I brainstormed and came up with 7 ideas to help you if you are feeling lonely in your marriage.

We’ll talk about practical things you can do, logistical things you can do, how to communicate with your husband about it and how to wrap your mind around it in a healthy way. I hope you’ll tune in.

For more inspiration, join me in my private A Life Designed community on Facebook.
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Also, I have created a free Marriage Communication Masterclass for you! This class is for you if you want to stop fighting with your husband and feel like you are on the same team. 

TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to A Life Designed.
 
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves and their families. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
 
The topic of today’s podcast is What to Do if You Feel Lonely in Your Marriage
 
But before we get started I want to let you know I have created a free video on Communication in Marriage for you. This video is for you if you have ever felt like you can’t get through to your husband. If you feel like your husband never listens to you. If you lose your cool during difficult conversations. If you’re tired of fighting with your husband.
 
In just 30 minutes, this video will help you lay the foundation for healthy communication in marriage and teach you how to handle difficult conversations so you can feel more connected and like you’re on the same team as your husband. Visit the link in the show notes to access it.
 
Also I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. I hope you’ll join us!
 
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about What to Do if You Feel Lonely in Your Marriage
 
Being lonely is probably something you didn’t think would happen to you in your marriage. But it is a complaint I hear often to varying degrees of severity. Wives tell me they feel lonely and disconnected from their spouse.
 
They wonder what they should do. Most of the time the wife is hoping I will give her advice that has to do with her husband changing his ways so she doesn’t have to feel lonely anymore.
 
“It must be his fault,” she thinks. If he will change and be more attentive, then she will feel happier.
 
I am afraid that’s not how it works. That’s not how marriage works and that’s not how life works.
 
Because we can’t change other people. We can’t make people behave how we want them to. We can’t make other people want to spend time with us in the way we want them to.
 
And waiting for them to come around and see things our way is putting our happiness in their hands. Think about that. If we are waiting for our spouse to do something before we can feel happy, we are saying we can’t be happy unless he does a certain thing.
 
We don’t ever want to do that. Our happiness should not be in anyone else’s hands but our own. This is awesome news. The best news ever. It means that if we are feeling lonely, we have the power to fix that. We don’t even need help from anyone else!
 
So I brainstormed and came up with 7 ideas to help you if you are feeling lonely in your marriage. So here we go.

 
My first idea is to implement a self-care plan where you do things you enjoy by yourself. That might seem like a funny way to stop being lonely. But hang in there with me. Doing something fun – even by yourself – will bring some happiness into your life that you might need. We don’t always need other people around to feel fulfilled. Sometimes an activity can bring that fulfillment.
 
For example, if you love to go for walks in the local nature preserves, but your husband doesn’t. Go anyway. And instead of lamenting the fact that he isn’t there, shift your mindset to being grateful that you are doing something just for you. The mindset shift is the key here! You’ll feel so much better.
 
Tip number two is to understand that it’s OK for our husbands to not want to do everything we want to do, and expecting them to puts too much pressure on him and the relationship. Instead of putting all of that pressure on him, form a group of people in your life who collectively provide you with the sense of human connection you are craving.
 
Maybe you have a friend or friends you go out to eat with. Or friends you study the bible with. A friend you travel with. A friend you watch chick flix with. A friend you work out with. A friend you shop with. Spend time with them doing those things, so it doesn’t all have to fall on your husband’s shoulders. You’ll both be happier for it!
 
Tip number three is to invite your hubby to do something you love to do and let him off the hook if he says no. No guilt trip. If he says no, just go do it yourself and make yourself happy. One of my clients had a recent experience with this where she was offered tickets to a concert. She really wanted to go, so she asked her husband if he wanted to go. He said he wasn’t really interested in going.
 
My client told me she had to think about that for a moment. In the past she would have let that be the decision and turned down the tickets. In fact, she had done this many times and missed several concerts she would have loved to go to.
 
She really wanted to go to this concert. So, she decided not to let his answer dictate her happiness. Instead she said. “OK. Well, I really want to go. Would you like to come with me or do you mind if I invite a friend?”
 
That totally changed his response. He excitedly said, “Oh! You WANT to go. OK! I’ll come with you!”
 
Wow! What a total 180 from his previous response!
 
I love this story, because my client did not try to manipulate or control or make him feel guilty or responsible for her happiness.
 
She simply stated what she would love to do and invited him along. She made it OK for him to decline by offering to bring a friend.
 
If she would have gone with her husband’s first answer that he didn’t really have an interest in going, she would have betrayed herself. She really wanted to go.
 
She said they both ended up loving the concert, but they only had the experience because she stayed true to herself and took responsibility for her own happiness.
 
The fourth tip I have for you is to invite your husband to do something you know he would love to do. Maybe it’s not something that’s exactly your cup of tea, but that’s OK. Men love doing activities with their wives. And by activities I mean something active – usually they like to do things more than just going out to dinner. So suggest something you know he loves and enjoy it with him.
 
The fifth tip around feeling lonely in your marriage has to do with communication. Many a woman has said to her husband, “You don’t spend enough time with me.” When you hear me say it like that, can you see why it might not be the best way to communicate about being lonely? It’s pretty negative. It puts the blame on our husband for us feeling lonely.
 
This doesn’t mean you can’t communicate with your husband about it though. But instead of communicating blame as with the previous statement, you can communicate from your heart with vulnerability. Say, “I miss you. I would love to spend some one-on-one time with you soon.” Then suggest something.
 
Tip number six if you are feeling lonely is a logistical one. Take a look at your calendar and your family calendar. Is there too much on it that is pulling you away from each other? Can you find some activities to eliminate or minimize that will give you more time together? Or can you find some time to intentionally schedule some one-on-one time? We only have limited hours in a day. So, let’s prioritize what we do with them.
 
Last, but not least, tip number seven is to manage your mind. If you’ve been listening to my podcast for any length of time, you know that our thoughts cause our feelings. So. If the feeling we are having is lonely. We need to examine our thoughts and see what we are thinking that is causing us to feel lonely. Once we identify the thought, we need to examine it. Ask yourself if it’s really true. Can you be 100% sure it’s true? Ask yourself if it’s serving you. If not, change it and take action that will help you feel not lonely. Like with some of the previous suggestions.
 
For instance, if your thought is, “my husband should spend more time with me.” Now you know that thought is flawed. You may want him to spend more time with you, but how is it serving you to think this negative thought. Turn it around. Instead think, “I would love to spend some quality time with my husband.” Then go make it happen.
 
So, if I could give you an action item for this week, I would say, find one thing that you would love to do in the next week. Plan to do it. Invite your spouse along if you’d like.
 
Now I know it’s not always this easy. I’d love to help you with your specific situation.
 
If this is something you would like to work on cultivating further, reach out to me for a complimentary session.
 
Remember to download my free marriage communication masterclass and don’t forget to join the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
 
Thank you! See you next week!