How to Stop Fighting with Your Spouse

Are you tired of fighting with your spouse? Do you wish you knew how to stop? Do you wish you knew how the two of you could get along better?

You’re not alone, and that’s why I’m sharing some ideas with you today. Tune in to this episode where I will give you three tips on how to stop fighting with your spouse.

For more inspiration, join me in my private A Life Designed community on Facebook.
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Also, I have created a free Marriage Communication Masterclass for you! This class is for you if you want to stop fighting with your husband and feel like you are on the same team.

TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to A Life Designed.
 
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
 
The topic of today’s podcast is …
 
How to Stop Fighting with Your Spouse
 
But before we get started I want to let you know I have created a free video on Communication in Marriage for you. This video is for you if you have ever felt like you can’t get through to your husband. If you feel like your husband never listens to you. If you lose your cool during difficult conversations. If you’re tired of fighting with your husband.
 
In just 30 minutes, this video will help you lay the foundation for healthy communication in marriage and teach you how to handle difficult conversations so you can feel more connected and like you’re on the same team as your husband. Visit the link in the show notes to access it.
 
Also I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. I hope you’ll join us!
 
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about …  
 
How to Stop Fighting with Your Spouse
This topic just came up the other day with a client of mine. Her husband get upset with something she said, so he started arguing with her in a heated, confrontational way.
 
She responded to defend herself with the same heightened tone of voice, and then they were in a full-fledged fight.
 
My client said, “I don’t want to fight with him anymore.”
 
I replied, so don’t. It takes 2 to have a fight.
 
I make it sound so easy right?
 
But it’s the truth. It really does take 2 to fight.
 
It’s easier said than done, though. Because when our spouse gets heated and starts an intense discussion, our instinct is to defend ourselves and mirror their tone. It’s a natural instinct. And also unnecessary.
 
Just because that’s our first instinct doesn’t mean we are stuck forever in this negative cycle. Now that we’re aware of it, we can change it. We can choose not to mirror the fighting tone.
 
Again. Easier said than done. That’s why I want to give you some tools for how to stop the fight before it begins.
 
The first thing I would recommend is to talk to your husband at a time when things are calm and you are getting along well. Tell him that you do not want to fight with him anymore.
 
Tell him that this is something important to you that you are working on because you want the relationship to be peaceful and healthy.
 
Tell him that you are doing your best and that he has permission to call you out on it if you start a fight.
 
Then, ask him if he will give you the same permission.
 
This way, the next time a conflict arises and a fight starts, both of you will have the awareness that this is not the way you want to resolve conflict. And you both have permission to stop it in its tracks.
 
In an ideal world, this would work and there would never be another fight. But it’s not like a switch that you can turn on that will automatically stop the fights. This will likely take some time to practice to get good at. So just know that.
 
But, if a fight does start, you both have the ability to pull it back. To disengage.
 
And save the conversation for a time when neither of you are emotional about it.
 
My second recommendation is to journal about the situation. There are two benefits to doing this. One is that you can process all of your negative emotion and get it out safely on paper.
 
The other is that you can come up with talking points before having the conversation. This will help you stay on track with what you want to say. I learned this from my own need.
 
I always used to feel in arguments that I would forget what I wanted to say, because my husband said something that threw me off track. So writing it down helps me remember.
 
My third recommendation is to sleep on it, if necessary.
 
And I know that popular culture tells you, “Don’t go to bed mad.” And you think the bible tells you, “don’t go to bed mad.”
 
But I’d like to actually look at that scripture to see if that’s actually true.
 
Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” – that second part of the verse is what we all most remember and we think it is marriage advice we should take.
 
But, let’s look at Psalm 4:4. It says, “Don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.
 
What? Have you ever heard that before? Are you grabbing your bible to fact check?! Go ahead! That’s from the NIV version, and there are other different versions of this for the different versions of the bible. But the overall thought is the same.
 
It’s permission to sleep on it. Literally or figuratively. This gives new meaning to our old marriage advice!
 
This is not an invitation to sweep the issue under the rug. It’s just saying that if the argument is going nowhere or if we are really hurting each other with our words, it might be better to table it.
 
Perhaps if we will sleep on it we will wake up with fresh eyes and see the issue from a new perspective or at least be able to represent ourselves without hurting the other person.
 
This is a marriage saving principle. Can you think of how many fights have dragged on because people thought they had to solve the issue right at that moment?
 
And here’s another bit of evidence for that tactic.  
 
Research shows that men typically need more time than women to process their feelings. This is not always the case, but usually.
 
PLUS they tend to do this processing internally.
 
So, when you have an argument, your husband might say he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore … this is because he needs time to think about how he feels …
 
AND because he doesn’t want to let hurtful things fly out of his mouth at you in the heat of the moment.
 
Understandable, right?
 
I know that can feel really difficult for us as women, because we generally prefer to process things externally by talking.
 
We might find it really hard to let the argument go unresolved. We will be literally worried about the state of our marriage. That’s part of the wiring of our female brains.
 
So what we can do about this is come up with an agreement with our husband for when these times occur. If the issue can’t be resolved in the moment it arises without hurting each other. We can agree to table the topic for another time. And reassure each other that we are committed to the relationship.
 
Now this is really important. Like I said earlier – this is not an invitation to sweep things under the rug. But it will help you resolve the issue more peacefully.
 
I want to let you know that this concept is from Shaunti Feldhahn’s book Surprising Secrets of highly happy couples. I love reading and learning from this author because her advice really works and she uses research to back up her claims! So, if you’d like to learn more about this, you can pick up a copy of that book.
 
I would also like to offer you a perspective shift. Disagreements and conflict with our spouse do not have to equal big fights. What if they could be a bonding moment. Or a moment of increasing our connection to one another?
 
When we think differently on something than our spouse, it’s an opportunity to get to know him better. To grow your intimacy and connection deeper. Isn’t that a great way to look at it?
 
So, I hope this episode has given you some new insight and hope! And if you’ve been struggling with trying to stop fighting with your spouse you can breathe a sigh of relief and try a new tactic next time!
 
I realize this is easier said than done. Especially when you are in the heat of the moment, but if you keep practicing, you will get better!
 
If you would like to work on this with a coach, reach out to me for a complimentary consultation where you will get to experience what it’s like to have the full attention of an experienced life coach listening to you in a non-judgmental, compassionate setting.
 
We will take a look at where you are, where you want to be and come up with a plan to get you there. Just this conversation alone will give you relief from the challenges you are currently facing.
 
Remember to download my free marriage communication masterclass and don’t forget to join the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
 
Thank you! See you next week!