My client Katie’s husband ditched her on date night. She was hurt and angry. She wanted to talk with him about it, but she knew it wouldn’t do any good coming from a place of anger and frustration. But she couldn’t let it go.
So we worked together to create the mental space for her to have that meaningful conversation with him, and as a result, they could both walk away from the experience as a bonding opportunity, instead of a damaging one.
Tune in to learn how you can apply this tool to your marriage for more peace, understanding and intimacy.
Also, I have created a free Communication in Marriage video for you. In just 30 minutes, this video wil teach you how to make the communication in your marriage more positive and productive. Download it HERE!
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Welcome to A Life Designed.
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
The topic of today’s podcast How to Have a Better Marriage
But before we get started I want to let you know I have created a free Communication in Marriage Video for you. In just 30 minutes, this video will teach you how to make the communication in your marriage more positive and productive.
You will be able to start implementing these simple practices today so you can have more love, fun, peace and calm in your home! I will put the link in the show notes for you to access it.
Also, I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get support and inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. It’s actually a happy place on Facebook. I hope you’ll join us!
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about How to Have a Better Marriage
So often from my clients I hear stories of things their husbands do that hurt their feelings or make them upset or angry. They wish their husband would behave differently.
Can you relate? Me too. I’m right there with you sweet sister.
The thought process is … I would be happier if my husband did this … or I would be happier if my husband said this … or I would be happier if my husband did this … or if I would be happier if my husband would stop doing that …
Before I dive into problem solving, which is my sweet spot. I do want to say that acknowledging your hurt feelings is important. So definitely take a minute to do that, but don’t stay stuck there too long.
Because when we get stuck in this negative state of mind toward our husband, all we see are more of the negative things that he says or does. And then all of these new problems pile up on top of the old one and resentment builds up a great big wall …. and then we are really feeling unhappy in our marriage.
So, what are we to do? How can we have a better marriage?
I’ve got you. So, first things first. And I hope you can hear me out here.
There is a universal fact that is at play here. That is the fact that We can’t change other people. Have you tried? Would be so amazing if we could.
But we can’t. This is where many of us get tripped up.
We feel frustrated that someone else won’t change.
We feel hopeless that things will ever get better.
We feel powerless because nothing is changing.
You want to know the problem with all of this? When we get stuck in this negativity, we are putting our happiness in someone else’s hands.
I want you to let that sink in.
Wishing someone else would change to make you happy is literally giving that person the power over your feelings and state of happiness.
Whoa. That’s huge. I don’t want to give the power of my happiness over to someone else. Do you?
Of course not! So, what do we do then? What do we do if we can’t change other people to increase our happiness?
The answer is that we change the one thing we have control over – us. Our thoughts.
Because here is a truth bomb that might rock your world.
Your problem is never the circumstance or the person you think it is. It is always your THOUGHTS about that person or circumstance.
Your thoughts are what are making you unhappy. Not your husband. And so, we’ve got to learn how to manage our thoughts.
When we learn how to manage our thoughts:
1) We take control of our lives!
2) We feel better and happier!
3) We take our power back and start living the life we want to live!
Let’s me share a story with you…
My client Katie and her husband had finally scheduled a long-overdue date night. They have three small children, and they live in an area without family. Also, they feel very cautious about who they leave their children with. So, it had been months since they had a date.
The day finally arrived for the date. That day, Katie’s husband made plans to participate in a fishing tournament. He assured Katie he would be home on time for their date.
To make a long story short, he wasn’t home on time. One thing led to another at the fishing tournament, and he didn’t get home until after 6:30. He was supposed to pick the babysitter up at 5:30.
Katie was really upset. When he finally did come home, she lost her temper and then gave him the cold shoulder for the rest of the night.
This was not the romantic date night that she had in mind. She was angry.
So Katie brought this to me to work on. We started by walking through the scenario and trying to understand Katie’s thoughts and feelings.
Her thoughts were that it was rude, disrespectful and insensitive of him to be that late.
And that he should have left the tournament early to get back in time for the date.
And because he didn’t leave, he must not care about her feelings.
Speaking of feelings. I asked her about that next.
She said, she felt sad.
Disrespected. Unimportant. Rejected.
Let me ask you. How are you feeling toward Katie’s husband right now? Angry? I know I am!
Keep that in mind. Let’s keep going on Katie’s story.
I asked Katie if there was any chance at all of there being a reasonable explanation for her husband thinking it was OK to come home late for the date?
She had to think for a minute, but then she surprised me.
She said, “Well, he hardly ever does anything fun like that.
And I know he really enjoyed it.
He was sending me pictures throughout the day.
Also he was able to hang out with some friends that he doesn’t get to see very often. So I know he really liked that.”
I could hear a softening in Katie’s voice.
Those new thoughts were softening Katie’s feelings. They allowed her to put herself in his shoes. They gave her compassion and understanding for the man she loves. The man that is normally very respectful.
So, next, I asked if she really thinks he doesn’t care about her.
And her reply is something we all need to remember.
She said, “I’m still really disappointed that our date night got ruined. But I know he loves me. And I know he needed that fun time with his friends.”
Wow! What a turnaround! Just from a few minutes of talking about it and examining her thoughts and feelings!!
Do you know what was so exciting about her turnaround? It is that … even though his actions made it look like he did not care about her, during our coaching session she was able to examine her thoughts and CHOOSE to believe otherwise. She was able to choose peace over anger. Happiness over sadness. Grace over unforgiveness.
She still gets to be disappointed if she wants to. Totally. But at least she’s coming to the situation from a place of compassion now.
This will create more peace and love and intimacy in her marriage. It will allow her to approach a conversation with him in a healthy manner.
We can all do the same in our marriages. This will prevent you from compiling a huge laundry list of wrongs that your husband has done to you and building that big wall of resentment.
This tool allows us to look for the best possible explanation, instead of the worst.
And when we do that, we’ll see the signals of love and care that were there all along.
The key is slowing down to manage our minds. Creating some space to respond, rather than react.
I believe this work is biblical. God tells us to take every thought captive in 2 Corinthians 10:5. So take these negative thoughts captive and examine them for the truth.
So, I have a Simple action step for you to take …
This is something that intellectually might make sense to you, but it does take practice. So, your simple action step … The next time you get upset with your husband, sit down and write out all of your thoughts about it. Find the one thought that is causing you the most pain. See if you can find a new thought to think instead.
This, my friend, is the path to a better marriage.
I know this is easier said than done. So, if you could use a little help with this, reach out to me. We will hop on the phone and talk about what is going on in your marriage, how you think it should be and develop a plan to get you there.
Thank you! See you next time!