Have you ever felt like your husband doesn’t listen to you? I think many of us have at one time or another.
What we might not realize is that we are the ones causing that to happen by how we approach conversations.
So, in this week’s podcast, I will share a personal story and a simple tool to help you communicate with your husband so he listens to you.
For more inspiration, join me in my private A Life Designed community on Facebook.
Also, I have created a free Marriage Communication Masterclass for you! This class is for you if you want to stop fighting with your husband and feel like you are on the same team.
Welcome to A Life Designed.
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
The topic of today’s podcast is How to Get Your Point Across Without Shutting Your Husband Down
But before we get started I want to let you know I have created a free video on Communication in Marriage for you. This video is for you if you have ever felt like you can’t get through to your husband. If you feel like your husband never listens to you. If you lose your cool during difficult conversations. If you’re tired of fighting with your husband.
In just 30 minutes, this video will help you lay the foundation for healthy communication in marriage and teach you how to handle difficult conversations so you can feel more connected and like you’re on the same team as your husband. Visit the link in the show notes to access it.
Also I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. I hope you’ll join us!
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about How to Get Your Point Across Without Shutting Your Husband Down
Today I want to teach you how you can share your opinion with your husband and get your point across in a conversation, without shutting him down and causing disconnect in your relationship.
First we need to start with some understanding of why men can get shut down so easily.
Like I often do, I am going to use research to support my teachings today. The information I am about to share with you is a result of research from Author Shaunti Feldhahn who wrote the book For Women Only.
According to Shaunti’s research, a man’s greatest need is to feel that his wife respects, admires, believes in and appreciates him.
In a survey, 75% of men said if they had to choose between feeling inadequate and disrespected or alone and unloved, they would choose alone and unloved.
Those two things are actually not independent, though. If a man feels disrespected, he is going to feel unloved.
So, if we want to love our husband in the best way that he can feel that love, that means we need to make sure he feels our respect in both words and actions.
It’s not enough to tell our husband that we respect or admire him, he actually needs to experience it.
Our conversations with our husbands are often places where they feel we do not respect them.
Many times, without realizing it, women tell their husbands what they should say, think or do, or even that they are wrong.
This communicates to our husbands that we do not think they are smart enough to figure things out on their own. It hurts them deeply and shuts them down.
Sometimes you’ll know he’s shutting down, because he’ll blow up at you, but other times, they quietly simmer inside.
I have had numerous …. And I mean numerous experiences with this. Like it used to be on the daily. What can I say? I am a work in progress people.
One time, we were talking about our plans for the weekend. I could just tell my husband was about to give my son an assignment, like cleaning the garage or something.
As soon as he said, “Tyler needs to …” I interrupted. I didn’t even let him finish. I just interrupted and said. “What Tyler needs to do is his homework.”
This immediately shut my husband down.
I was feeling stressed about Tyler’s homework. (How ironic is that! It’s not my homework. It’s Tyler’s.)
But by interrupting my husband, I showed a huge lack of respect for what his thoughts were. Especially, considering I didn’t even know what he was going to say.
I didn’t even assume the best or give him the benefit of the doubt.
I tried to correct it and ask him what he was saying, but he said, “No. Not now. I was shot down.”
Wow. Girls. That’s what I teach not to do right there.
I took a leadership moment away from my husband. I also drained a little love from his tank. I made it look like I don’t respect his thoughts. So much so that I would interrupt his speaking.
Girls. This is what NOT to do if you want to your husband to feel connected to you.
… I think a lot of us women don’t even realize we are doing this. We say something, our husband has a negative reaction and we are left scratching our heads.
Also, we have the best of intentions. We would never purposefully hurt our husbands.
One of the biggest complaints I hear from women is that they want their husband to be a leader in their home.
But those very same women are not letting their husband have a chance to lead, because they are afraid to fail.
Not to mention, we are stomping all over our husbands tender egos.
So, what do we do when we feel strongly that we are right about something.
Let’s take my example from above. How could I have handled this better?
First. I could take a deep breath and let my husband finish his sentence.
Next. If I disagreed with what he said or felt a need to add my own view on what Tyler needed to do, I would first seek to understand where my husband is coming from on this.
So, I could ask for clarification or timing.
Then I could state my thoughts or concerns. And I should state them positively.
Remember, men love to solve problems. So, if I would have said, I am feeling anxious about Tyler having enough time to study this weekend,” I would have opened the door for a conversation with Tyler and Paul about that. And we could have worked it out as a team, instead of me trying to play dictator. Sounds awful, but that’s what it boils down to, right?
As you can see. It can be easy to get your point across when you know how to do it.
The first, and most important step, is to be aware of how you are coming across.
The next big question is if it’s the right moment to have the conversation.
Also, I like to teach my clients that we don’t have to resolve an issue in only one conversation. It can take multiple conversations.
So, you can go into the first conversation about it with the intent to listen and understand. Actively listen and take notes.
It’s a good rule of thumb, in any difficult conversation to listen more than you speak.
We know that James 1:19 says: Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
Then, you can start the conversation again another time after you have had time to gather your thoughts based on what you learned from your husband.
That’s hard for people like me who like to handle things right away, but it works and it brings so much peace to the conversation and the relationship.
This tool can work for any conversation. Maybe you are making plans to build a house and you each have different views. Maybe you have different views on how to spend your upcoming tax refund or where to take your next vacation.
Approach your conversation seeking to understand and watch how much more smoothly it will go! Both YOU and your husband will be able to get your point across and be understood.
I hope this helps!
If this is something you would like to work on cultivating further, reach out to me for a Marriage Life Coaching session. We will talk about where you’re at, where you want to be and how you can get there.
Remember! I have created the Communication in Marriage video for you – you can download it with the link in the show notes.
Don’t forget to join the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
Thank you! See you next week!