I don’t know about you, but sometimes I get stuck in negative thinking patterns.
Say, your husband does something that bothers you, and you keep ruminating on it and thinking about it and have trouble letting it go.
I’ve learned to notice these negative patterns and pull myself out of them, and I’d like to help you do the same thing.
So, on today's podcast, I thought I’d share a time with you when I got stuck in a negative thinking pattern and show you how I got out of it.
For more inspiration, join me in my private A Life Designed community on Facebook.
Also, I have created a free Marriage Communication Masterclass for you! This class is for you if you want to stop fighting with your husband and feel like you are on the same team.
Welcome to A Life Designed.
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
The topic of today’s podcast is How to get out of a Negative Thinking Pattern
But before we get started I want to let you know I have created a free video on Communication in Marriage for you. This video is for you if you have ever felt like you can’t get through to your husband. If you feel like your husband never listens to you. If you lose your cool during difficult conversations. If you’re tired of fighting with your husband.
In just 30 minutes, this video will help you lay the foundation for healthy communication in marriage and teach you how to handle difficult conversations so you can feel more connected and like you’re on the same team as your husband. Visit the link in the show notes to access it.
Also I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. I hope you’ll join us!
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about How to get out of a Negative Thinking Pattern
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I needlessly get stuck in negative thinking patterns.
I’ve learned to notice them and pull myself out of them, and I’d like to help you do the same thing.
So, I thought I’d share a time with you when I got stuck in a negative thinking pattern and show you how I got out of it.
One Friday morning a year or so ago, I was getting ready to take my daughter to school. It was a Friday, so I was going to attend her morning school Mass, then spend the rest of the day shopping with my son. The weather was beautiful. And I was excited about the day ahead. It was going to be a great day!
My husband is checking his email and says. “Oh! It’s the 1st of the month. You’re driving with an expired license tag.”
“Really. I say. How so?” Feeling a little frustrated.
“Well, it expired on the 31st and I didn’t renew it yet.”
Breathing through my frustration I say, “How is that possible? You are always on top of everything?”
“Well, not this,” he says.
Ugh. Do you girls know how frustrating this is for me. I mean. Really. You get like 2 months notice for this. It happens at the same time every year. You get a notice in your email. It’s not that hard.
Now, because he ignored it or procrastinated or whatever he did, I get to drive around illegally until the registration comes in the mail … worrying I might get pulled over.
I would feel so embarrassed. And I would be ticked if it cost us money to have to pay a ticket for it. All for something that’s not even my fault. I’m not in charge of the vehicle registrations in our home.
So, while this conversation is going on I’m having all of these images of getting pulled over in my mind and the excuse I will use with the officer, uselessly pointing out the fact that it’s my husband’s mistake not mine. “Don’t shoot the messenger.” Was one thought.
So I said, “Well, the car is in your name, so the ticket will be on your record, not mine! Ha! Ha!” He laughed, too!
So, he went online to quickly and finally submit the registration.
But, the next words I hear are, “Well, this just got more complicated. You have to get an emissions test before you renew.”
OMG! Really? WTH? My car is only 4 years old. How is that possible? I thought that was for old cars.
So, suddenly my Friday has gotten busy with things I’d really rather not be doing.
I was frustrated.
But thanks to the years I have spent working with a life coach, I was able to work though my frustration without taking it out on my husband … well, not all of it, at least. I still wouldn’t say I handled it perfectly.
In the distant past, this could have been a fight. You might think it’s petty. I do now, but before I matured a little, I would have totally gone there.
So, how do you handle these types of frustrations when your husband bumps into your happy and makes you feel angry?
I’m going to walk you through a quick 5 step process that you can practice. I would recommend using pencil and paper and practicing, but after a while, you won’t need to anymore!
Step 1 is to examine your thoughts. What are you thinking as a result of what happened?
Write them all down. Then decide which one is bothering you the most.
In my case, one thought that dared enter my mind was “He doesn’t care about me because he procrastinated on this and left it for me to deal with.”
Step 2 is to ask yourself if that thought is true?
Is it true that your husband doesn’t care about you because he missed this deadline?
Usually the answer is no. Believing your spouse doesn’t care about you as a result of a human error he made is a big stretch.
At times I also ask myself, “Will this matter in 10 years?”
The answer is no. Of course not. Worse case scenario is I get pulled over and feel embarrassed and get a ticket that costs some money.
10 years from now that will not matter.
Step 3 is to ask yourself, “How does it make me feel to believe this thought?” In my example, the thought is that my husband doesn’t care about me because he forgot to do this.
Here is a tip – a feeling is only one word.
Like Angry or frustrated. Or Sad.
I was feeling hurt. And frustrated. And Angry.
It’s good to notice this and realize your thoughts and feelings are separate.
So, now we know we have a thought that is causing us to feel angry.
That leads us to step 4 …
Step 4 is to ask yourself if this is the way you want to feel?
I’m guessing your answer will be no. We don’t usually want to feel angry.
So, then it’s on to step 5.
Step 5 is to find a believable thought that would feel more peaceful.
Here is a thought I came up with in that moment. “I know my husband loves me. He just made a mistake.”
Another thought is “I should give him some grace. I like to receive grace for my mistakes, so that means I should give it when others make mistakes. We all miss things at times.”
Continue coming up with positive thoughts until you can find one that brings you peace.
Then notice what happens when you come up with this thought. Don’t you feel more peace. Aren’t you able to take deep breath and relax? Do you see what I am talking about here?!
Do you see that it’s not the fact that your husband forgot to send in the car registration that is upsetting you. It’s really your thoughts about the fact that your husband forgot to send in the car registration that is upsetting you – the thought that he doesn’t care about you.
When you can see that more clearly, you will find freedom from your negative thoughts and release yourself from them!
This is huge girls! I mean huge! Life-changing!
I realize this is easier said than done. Especially when you are in the heat of the moment, but if you keep practicing, you will get better!
If you would like to work on this with a coach, reach out to me for a complimentary consultation where you will get to experience what it’s like to have the full attention of an experienced life coach listening to you in a non-judgmental, compassionate setting.
We will take a look at where you are, where you want to be and come up with a plan to get you there. Just this conversation alone will give you relief from the challenges you are currently facing.
Remember to download my free marriage communication masterclass and don’t forget to join the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
Thank you! See you next week!