Hey girlfriends! I hope you are well today! This episode of the podcast is about how you can create the marriage you want by embracing who YOU are!
Yes I said "Embracing who you are!"
You, sweet sister, are a lovely, amazing woman, and you bring some pretty phenomenal qualities into your marriage relationship.
Today I'd like to remind you of that and show you a very simple way to use your God-given gifts to make your marriage more of what you want it to be. You can start today!
For more inspiration, join me in my private A Life Designed community on Facebook.
Also, I have created a free Marriage Communication Masterclass for you! This class is for you if you want to stop fighting with your husband and feel like you are on the same team.
Welcome to A Life Designed.
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
The topic for today’s podcast is How to Create the Marriage You Want by Embracing Who YOU Are
But before we get started I want to let you know I have created a free video on Communication in Marriage for you. This video is for you if you have ever felt like you can’t get through to your husband. If you feel like your husband never listens to you. If you lose your cool during difficult conversations. If you’re tired of fighting with your husband.
In just 30 minutes, this video will help you lay the foundation for healthy communication in marriage and teach you how to handle difficult conversations so you can feel more connected and like you’re on the same team as your husband. Visit the link in the show notes to access it.
Also I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. I hope you’ll join us!
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about How to Create the Marriage You Want by Embracing Who YOU Are
I had a client who said she and her husband get a long, but there is no romance anymore … that they are more like roommates.
She wanted more intimacy & fun and connection in their marriage.
She complained to her husband that she wanted more romance, but nothing ever changed. In fact, her complaints made him angry, and it felt like they drove them further apart.
It made her feel very insecure in their relationship.
They went round and round for years like this, and my client did not know what to do.
Turns out, my client does not have a unique problem. Many women, if not most women, would like to have more romance and connection in their marriage.
That is what we are going to talk about today.
First, I would like to explain WHY it happens.
It happens due to some primary differences between men and women.
Women are biologically wired as nurturers. We’re the ones with the skills to anticipate the needs of our husbands, take care of nurturing the relationship and do the problem-solving when things have gone awry.
Men are more biologically wired as the providers and protectors. It's not that the relationship isn't important to them; it's just that they show it in different ways — by working hard and establishing a career, for example.
This is how God made us. On purpose.
The fact is that men and women are different. Women are generally better at relationship, and men are generally better at providing. Of course, there are always exceptions, but this is true for most relationships.
U might be thinking … my husband was really good at relationship back when we were dating.
Right? He courted you. He made you mix tapes. He wrote you love letters. Now where has all that loving feeling gone?
I’ll tell you where it’s gone.
His male need for conquest was kicked into high gear. And he did whatever he had to do to win you over.
Then You got married and he won! He won you!
He believes you should know he loves you. And that is that. And now he can focus on providing for you.
But for us, ladies. We thrive on relationship. And we want to keep those loving feelings flowing.
What I want you to know is that this is not a character flaw in our men.
It’s not that they’re broken and need fixing.
They are simply operating how they were designed to operate.
We bring different gifts and skills to our marriage.
These differences are what make the marriage work – when we let them work in our favor.
It is important that one of us is good at keeping tabs on the relationship.
And that the other keeps tabs on providing for and protecting the family.
If we both focused on our relationship, there might be no steady job – remember that honeymoon phase and in love feeling back when you first met? When you couldn’t think of anything else but the love of your life? That can’t go on forever! Nothing would ever get done!
Eventually that bliss fades and we fall into our more normal roles.
Here’s a statistic to help support what I am saying.
In her research Author Shaunti Feldhahn discovered that 78 percent of men said even if their wife earned enough to support the family, they would still feel a compulsion to provide for their family.
That is because that is how they are wired.
On the flip side of this, Shaunti also discovered that 70 percent of women said they would rather experience financial struggles than relationship struggles with their husband.
OK. So, do we have that down? Men and women are different. Women are wired for relationship. Men are wired for providing and protecting.
Does that mean we have to just accept that our husbands are not good at relationship? That we just have to suffer through it?
No! We don’t! But I hope this information helps you give your husband some grace. So let’s start there first. With this understanding, we can know not to take this focus on work personally. And we can cut them some slack.
But then what? What can we do to get some more connection and intimacy flowing again?
Many women want to sit their husband’s down, like my client did, and tell them they need to be more intimate. Unfortunately, this rarely works, because it makes our husbands feel criticized and angry.
I would like to suggest a different approach.
I suggest that we do something ourselves to reignite that connection.
For example, if you want more romance in your relationship. Do something to bring more romance in. If you want more spontaneity, initiate something spontaneous with your spouse. If you want more kindness in your marriage, do something kind for your spouse first.
I am suggesting you GO FIRST. You take the lead on creating the marriage you want.
As you do, he will catch on and start sending more love and attention in your direction.
And I have proof that this works.
Well, first, my own personal experience and the experiences of my clients.
But also, the research of Shaunti Feldhahn. While researching her book The Kindness Challenge, she discovered that, 74% of spouses said when they made a concerted effort to be more kind and focused on their spouse for 30 days, their spouse changed too!
Girlfriends, changing our marriage starts with changing us.
So let’s get back to our story about my client who was looking for more connection and intimacy in her marriage.
While coaching her, one of the complaints she had was about how little they communicate during the day.
So we talked about what she could do to communicate with him during the day that would foster more connection.
She realized that if they did talk during the day, it mostly had to do with the business of running the family.
Like, we need to take Johnny here at 6 p.m. And Annabelle there at 6:30 p.m.
So, she decided she wanted to bring in more communication that was fun and playful...
She decided to take her mindset back to their dating days and think about things they could talk or text about that were more fun. Things they had in common. Things that drew them together.
She made a list of some of those things, so she could have them ready and make an effort to communicate with him once a day in a fun way.
Her husband loved the attention and started reciprocating it back to her, and they were well on their way to having more intimacy and connection in their relationship.
You can be too!
I hope this information helps you feel encouraged and motivated to take the first step toward creating the marriage you want!
And I would like to challenge you. What is one thing you wish were different in your marriage? Come up with a list of things you can do to create that for yourself and your husband. Work on it for 7 days in a row.
Then let me know how it goes.
Thank you so much for listening in. Please let me know if you have any specific questions.
I know this is easier said than done, so if you would like to work on this with a coach, reach out to me for a complimentary consultation.
Remember to download my free marriage communication masterclass and don’t forget to join the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
See you next time!