How to Change Your Marriage Without Changing Your Husband

Have you ever felt like you’d be happier if your husband would just … help more around the house, or help more with the kids, or drink less alcohol, or share your faith, or be more loving to you, or stick up for you to his family, or spend less money … or fill in your own blank.

You’re not alone. We all have things about our husbands that we would like to change. But we know now, as experienced wives, that we can’t change other people.

So, I’d like to ask you. What if you could live happily in your marriage without getting so upset about those things?

Can you imagine how good that would feel? In today’s podcast, I am going to teach you how.

Join me!

If you need more inspiration, download my Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care HERE! It’s a Guide to help you take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit so you can feel like your best self every day. 

And join us in the Life Designed Community on Facebook! 

Welcome to A Life Designed.
 
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
 
The topic of today’s podcast is How to Change Your Marriage Without Changing Your Husband
 
But before we get started I want to let you know I have created a free download call the Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care. I’m really proud of this guide. It’s a Guide to help you take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit so you can feel like your best self every day. Visit my website tinahaisman.com to download it.
 
Also, I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. It’s actually a happy place on Facebook. I hope you’ll join us!
 
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about How to Change Your Marriage Without Changing Your Husband
 
If you’re listening to this I’m guessing some of your husband’s personal habits weren’t deal-breakers when you first got married, but now that time has gone on, perhaps you’re feeling annoyed with him more often than you’re feeling connected.
 

• Maybe he always leaves his laundry on the floor or never puts his dishes in the dishwasher.
• He doesn’t help you with the kids as often as you’d like.
• He comes home from work late all the time without calling.
• He drinks too much alcohol.
• He doesn’t pick out good gifts for you.
• You think he should be more fun like your friend’s husband.

 
I hear all of these things and more with my clients.
 
While these struggles may all seem different, they actually all stem from the same source – unmet expectations.
 
I want to share 3 truths with you about marriage that will set the foundation for our talk today.
 
Truth #1 is this. Adults get to behave however they want.
 
We are not in need of parenting anymore, right?
 
So, you are an adult. And your husband is an adult. Neither of us have to behave how the other wants us to.
 
If that sounds harsh, hang in there with me, because you know I love you and I want what’s best for you. I’ve got your back! Promise!
 
So, this means that our husbands can behave however they want, and we can behave however we want, too! So, let’s agree, we are all adults, and we can do whatever we want.
 
Here’s truth #2. Adults have conscious and subconscious expectations of how each other should behave.
 
We think this is normal or how it should be. But I beg to differ. I want you to think about this. As wives, the expectations we have of our husbands are like a book of rules that we have created for them to live by in order to make us happy. We expect them to follow the rule book. And when they don’t, we feel justifiably upset. I mean. They should know the rules.
 
Can you imagine on your wedding day, handing your husband a book of rules.
 
You will do this. You will do that. You will not do this. You will not do that…These are the rules for being married to me.
 
We think we will be happy if our husband follows all of our rules in the rule book. But the truth is, this rule book causes us to feel unhappy more than we feel happy.
 
That brings us to truth #3, which is “You will always find evidence for what you are looking for.”
 
So, I ask you. What are you looking for?
 
Some of the women I coach are so frustrated with their husbands that they only see the rules they are breaking. The things they are doing wrong. The things that hurt their feelings.
 
Because, subconsciously, they are looking for proof that they are right, and their husband is wrong. Let me tell you, they are definitely finding it.
 
The problem with this is, it’s preventing them from seeing anything good their husband is doing. It’s like a laser focus on every little thing they do wrong.
 
I want to point out that this is happening mostly subconsciously. Women don’t walk around intentionally seeking affirmation of their husband’s negative behaviors. It’s kind of the default mode of our brains.
 
You know how they say God’s voice is the still small voice? You have to work to listen to it? Because all of the negativity is trying to drown it out. It’s the same concept here.
 
And by the way, do you think God is the one putting all of those negative thoughts about your husband in your brain? I assure you, he’s not. Anything negative is not of God.
 
God’s voice is the quiet one that is asking you to look for the good in your husband. To notice his strengths instead of his weaknesses. To remember what an amazing man you married. To give him the benefit of the doubt.
 
How do you do this – especially when you’re feeling totally frustrated? Let me illustrate with an example. I have a client who told me that she wished her husband was as fun and easy-going as her friend’s husband. In other words, she thought her husband was uptight and not fun.
 
So, if my client believes that her husband is uptight and not fun. She will notice all of the ways her husband is being uptight and not fun.
 
And she will notice all of the ways her friend’s husband is being easy-going and fun.
 
This is not cool. To be comparing our husband to another woman’s husband. They are two different people. They should not be the same.
 
It’s also pointless. What good does it do us to focus on how unfun our husband is? The answer is NO good! None at all. Zero. It’s so backwards, right? Why would we focus on what we don’t want?
 
Because truth #3 says, you will always find evidence of what you are looking for.
 
So I had to help my client clean up her stinkin’ thinkin’.
 
The first thing I helped her do was to drop the rule-book. You can do it too. Right now.  It’s a mental thing. Just imagine yourself putting it down.
 
Then, I had my client start looking for evidence of her husband being easy-going and fun.
 
She actually found it pretty quickly!

• She recalled very recent examples of when her husband had bought some fun 4th of July goodies for her and her children.

• How he wanted to buy a jet-ski.
• And how he recently wanted to invite friends over for a cookout.
• And how when those friends were over how he set up some ladder ball to play and he was a great host.
• She remembered one day when she was totally frustrated with her children, and he offered to take them out for ice cream.

 
I could go on, but I think you get the point.
 
How crazy is it that within minutes she could change her mind from wishing her husband were like someone else to appreciating the fun-loving guy she already had! She had a total mindset shift.
 
The secret to changing your marriage without changing your husband is by changing the thoughts you think about your husband.
 
I always recommend another step, as well. And that is verbalizing those things you love to him when you notice him doing it.
 

• When he cleans something up at home, thank him!
• When he helps with the kids, thank him!
• When he comes from work on time, show him how much you love that!
• When you have a fun time together without alcohol, mention it!
• When he does find good gift for you, thank him!
• When you see him being fun, tell him!

 
He will love this affirmation! And it will communicate to him things that you love about him, which will cause him to bring more of that into your marriage. I promise!
 
Ladies. For our own peace and sanity. And the health of our marriage. It’s important that we realize how much we are hurting ourselves by expecting our spouses to follow our rule-books. And by focusing on what we don’t want instead of what we do want.
 
So, if you’d like to start working on this, I have a practical action plan for you.

1. First, imagine yourself dropping that rule book.
2. Then make a list of all of the things you love about your husband.
3. Finally -- compliment him when you see him do something you love! And notice that you will see more and more of this positivity in your life.

 
I know this is easier said than done, so if you would like to know more about how I can help you change your marriage without changing your husband, reach out to me for a complimentary consultation. We can take a look at what is happening in your life now, how you think it should be and come up with a plan to get you there.
 
In the meantime. Remember! I have created a free Ultimate Guide to Guilt Free Self Care for you.
 
Don’t forget to join the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
 
Thank you! See you next week!