When your husband yells at you, do you feel it inside your body? Does it cause your muscles to tense up? Does it make you angry, too? Does it ever cause you to yell back at him?
I’ve been there, and so have many of my clients, so in this week’s podcast I will share with you very practical techniques that you can use to not absorb your husband’s emotion of anger. In fact, I’ll help you use the situation to create more connection in your relationship, instead of disconnect.
For more inspiration, join me in my private A Life Designed community on Facebook.
Also, I have created a free Marriage Communication Masterclass for you! This class is for you if you want to stop fighting with your husband and feel like you are on the same team.
Welcome to A Life Designed.
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
The topic of today’s podcast is …
How Not to Absorb Your Husband’s Anger
But before we get started I want to let you know I have created a free video on Communication in Marriage for you. This video is for you if you have ever felt like you can’t get through to your husband. If you feel like your husband never listens to you. If you lose your cool during difficult conversations. If you’re tired of fighting with your husband.
In just 30 minutes, this video will help you lay the foundation for healthy communication in marriage and teach you how to handle difficult conversations so you can feel more connected and like you’re on the same team as your husband. Visit the link in the show notes to access it.
Also I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. I hope you’ll join us!
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about …
How Not to Absorb Your Husband’s Anger
I guess we’re on an angry kick here. Two weeks ago we talked about your anger; this week I want to help you learn how NOT to absorb your husband’s anger
I’m sharing this with you because it’s something I have had to work on, and it’s something I help my clients with, too.
When your husband yells at you or in your direction, if you’re anything like me, it invokes a reaction inside of you that is so intense. It’s like a total body experience. Maybe it makes your head feel like it’s going to explode or you feel tenseness in all of your muscles in your whole body. Or a sword piercing your heart. Maybe a stomach that starts turning and churning. Perhaps some tenseness in your shoulders.
Many of us have a physical reaction, and it knocks you off your center. It takes you out of the peaceful state you were in just seconds before. And that might be when you yell back. Now you’re both yelling, and it’s a fight.
You probably hate fighting. You hate yelling. You hate that his yelling causes you to lose it. You wish things could change. You are so tired of this. You want to be your best version of yourself, but his yelling takes you far away from that.
What if you could remain calm and in your center the next time your husband yells at you? You can, and I can show you how.
I can show you how you can let him have his reaction and how you can love him and remain connected to him regardless of his behavior. Sound good?
If you missed it, the May 11 was about how to stop fighting with your spouse. I would totally recommend you go back and listen to that one, too.
But as far as not absorbing the emotion. That’s what we’re going to talk about today. First we’re going to talk about the mental aspect of it, then we will talk about the emotional aspect.
The first truth you need to know is that your husband’s anger is caused by thoughts he is having in his mind. It is not caused by whatever you said or did. It is caused by what he THINKS about what you said or did.
Please let this truth set you free. Your husband’s anger is not caused by you. It is caused by his thoughts.
Thoughts cause feelings, which cause us to take action. As humans, we are all responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions. You are not responsible for your husband’s thoughts, feelings or actions, and he is not responsible for yours.
There is nothing good that comes from taking responsibility for other people’s feelings anyway. It doesn’t serve either of you.
No one can make you have a feeling. Any feeling you have is caused by a thought you are thinking.
Sometimes what I see is women taking responsibility for their husband’s anger as if she caused it by not being a good wife. This is never true. How you are as a wife will never cause your husband’s anger. His thoughts about what you might say and do are what cause his anger.
He might tell you it’s your fault that he’s yelling because of whatever you did or said. No Maam. It’s not. He yelled because he chose to yell. That’s his responsibility, not yours.
This piece of information should allow you to mentally disconnect from his emotion. It is his, not yours. You do not need to take it into your body. Even if he is right about whatever he is angry about. Even if you made a mistake and you need to apologize. You did not cause his emotions, and you do not need to absorb his anger.
It’s important that you know that, because if you absorb his anger, you will be angry, you will be pulled off your center, and you won’t be able to see the situation clearly and bring peace to it. You will create more disconnect in your relationship, instead of the connection you want.
Another problem that happens when a husband gets angry at his wife is the wife is upset about what her husband is thinking about her. How he is judging her. She doesn’t want him to judge her negatively. And so she tries to control the situation.
Girls. I totally get that. I really do. And that’s very human, but the truth is we have no control over what someone else thinks of us. We have to let that go. And that is SO freeing. I promise you! It feels so much better than trying to control how other people think and feel about you. You don’t have to worry about it. Let it go!
Many of the women I coach are on a journey in life where they are working on being the woman they want to be … the woman they want to be remembered for. So, try to remember that the next time your husband yells at you. It will help you respond better.
Sometimes as women we want to blame our husband for causing us to yell. But that’s giving your power away. You have 100% control over your emotions. To blame him for making you yell would be giving him the credit for your behavior. That’s not how it works.
Also, keeping your cool and not yelling back does not mean you condone his yelling at you. It just means you’re listening.
Also keep this in mind as humans, we need to separate out the person from their behavior. Your husband is a good man. He is 100% worthy and lovable. It’s totally OK that you don’t like his behavior in this moment, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t act loving toward him.
Just know that you do not have to react. And you have 100% control over how you respond.
Now, that we’ve got that covered, let’s talk about practical tips for how to handle his anger in the moment that it’s happening and not absorb it. I am going to share several tools with you. Use one or them all. You can put together your own strategy with them.
The first tool is to remind yourself of the truths we just spoke about. Your husband’s anger is his. You are not causing it. He is causing it with his thoughts.
The second tool is to Breathe. Seriously don’t underestimate the power of your breath. It will help you keep your center. The best kind of breathing for this type of situation is belly breathing. It’s deep and centering. Put your hand on your stomach and make sure you can feel your stomach moving up and down as you breathe. Try to keep your feet grounded into the ground. This will help keep you peaceful.
A third tool is to imagine a clear bubble around you or a clear shield in front of you or a glass wall that protects you from the energy of the anger. This will allow you to see and acknowledge his emotion without absorbing it. Absorbing his anger does neither of you any good.
The fourth tool is to become the watcher of the situation. Step outside of it and watch it from there. Like you are watching a movie. To me it feels like stepping outside of my body. This will help you stay disconnected from his feelings and stay more objective.
The fifth tool is to resist the urge to judge him for how terrible you think he is acting or how wrong he is. Even if that’s true, there is no upside to thinking it. Instead, shift into a mode of curiosity. Ask questions to better understand how this situation is affecting him. This will actually help him process his experience and will ultimately bring you closer together.
Finally, I would say unless you can both be calm and speak to each other civilly, it would be better to table the conversation until another time. Nothing good is going to come from an angry conversation.
I hope this helps you. Like I said earlier. You can try just one of these or put a few of them together into one personalized strategy for yourself.
I realize this is easier said than done. Especially when you are in the heat of the moment, but if you keep practicing, you will get better!
If you would like to work on this with a coach, reach out to me for a complimentary consultation where you will get to experience what it’s like to have the full attention of an experienced life coach listening to you in a non-judgmental, compassionate setting.
We will take a look at where you are, where you want to be and come up with a plan to get you there. Just this conversation alone will give you relief from the challenges you are currently facing.
Remember to download my free marriage communication masterclass and don’t forget to join the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
Thank you! See you next week!