If you have ever told your husband …
What to wear
What he should eat
How he should drive
What he should do at his job
What he should or should not buy
How to take care of the kids
That he should lose weight
Or how to do or handle anything for that matter … this podcast is for you.
What most women don’t realize is that when we tell our husband how he should do something it sends a message to him that we don’t think he is capable of handing the situation himself. This deeply hurts his heart.
It’s not at all what we mean. We are only trying to make things easier for everyone. But it’s important that we know the message our husband is hearing if we want more connection and love in our relationship.
So, in this episode, I’m going to share a few of my classic control freak stories so you can see how it plays out in real life. And I hope to convince you that letting go of control will actually make life better, not worse.
This shift is absolutely critical to having a great relationship!
If you would like more inspiration, download my Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care HERE!
And join us in the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
Welcome to A Life Designed.
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves and their families. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
The topic of today’s podcast is How Letting Go of Control will Set You Free!
But before we get started I want to let you know I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. I hope you’ll join us!
Also, I have created a free download call the Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care. It’s a Guide to help you take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit so you can feel like your best self every day. Visit my website tinahaisman.com to download it.
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about How Letting Go of Control will Set You Free!
OK. First things first! You all know that I love you, right? That I want the very best for you. That I want you to be happy. That I want to help you create an amazing, fulfilling, life, right?
Cool! Just making sure that you know my tips and advice are always coming from a place of love and sharing what will help you the most.
So this topic of letting go of control … I am an expert in this topic, because I am a recovering control freak. And I am so happy about that, because it is so liberating!
As I often do, I will use stories from my own life to illustrate to you how being a control freak can hurt your marriage …. And how liberating yourself from trying to control everything will set you free! It will make things better, instead of worse. I promise.
There was one time a very long time ago, before children. My husband and I were at a wedding. I didn’t like how he was behaving. He was having way too much fun being childish, and it made me feel embarrassed.
So I tried to tell him how he should be behaving. That ended very badly. What should have been a wonderful weekend away for us was ruined.
My husband still remembers how hurt he felt that night. Now, if I ever feel embarrassed by his behavior, which is almost never anymore, I just remind myself that my husband is an adult and that his behavior is a reflection of him, not me.
There was one time a couple of years ago when our family was sitting at the dinner table talking about our plans for the weekend. The way my husband started to speak, I could tell he was about to give my son an assignment for the weekend, like cleaning the garage or something.
As soon as my husband got the words out, “Tyler needs to …” I interrupted him and said, “What Tyler needs to do is his homework.” I was feeling stressed about Tyler’s homework, so I jumped in to try to try to save him from whatever assignment my husband was about to give him.
But in doing so, I stomped all over my husband’s parenting style. This didn’t end well. It decreased the intimacy in our marriage. Now, when I feel tempted to step in on his parenting style, I remember he is an adult. And that our children need both parenting styles.
I’ve also tried to tell my husband how he should handle his laundry. He likes to leave it laying on the end of the bed. And on the floor near his bed. I really hate that.
In the past, I tried to get him to change his ways by doing lots of complaining. Guess what. He never changed. So I had to change my mind about how I was going to think about those clothes at the end of the bed.
I’ve also tried to tell my husband what time he should come home from work. I would gripe and complain when he was late, thinking that would make him change his behavior. Or work faster or something. Nope. That didn’t work. It only made him want to come home later and later, because I was so crabby. So, instead I had to change my mind about what I think of him coming home late.
I used to love to tell my husband the route he should take anytime we were driving somewhere. And I also always knew the perfect parking spot. Now, when he is driving, I just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride! It’s so much better!
I’ve tried to control how my husband takes care of the kids when I am not home. What activities they did. What they ate. How they ate.
My husband to this day will cook for the kids, but he expects them to fill their own plates. As silly as it sounds, I hate that. I do it for them when I cook.
But no matter how much I complained about it, he still did it his way. So, you guessed it. I had to change my mind about how he takes care of the kids.
The problem with telling our husband how he should do everything is that it sends a message to them that we don’t think they are capable of handing the situation themselves. This deeply hurts their hearts.
How you will know if you hurt his heart is if you get a response of anger after telling him what to do or complaining about how he is doing something. This causes friction and disconnect in your relationship. And that’s the opposite of what we want.
What we want in our relationship is connection and intimacy and fun! And I promise you, if you are willing to try to stop telling him how to do everything and complain less about how he is doing things, you will have more of those things.
Now I’m not 100% recovered from this. I still revert back to my old ways sometimes, but I can tell you, it’s so much better than before.
When I stopped trying to control everything and just let my husband be himself, I literally discovered how much more energy I had. Because trying to control another adult’s behavior is exhausting and futile.
I don’t know why we keep trying. It never works. I mean, have you actually seen it work? It’s a waste of time. We can’t make other people behave in a way that makes us happy.
The secret is learning how to change your thoughts about their behavior.
Honestly, girls I appreciate my husband more. Truly. Now that I have stopped trying to control everything, I feel closer to him.
So, if you resonate with any of the stories I told today, and you think you might need to work on letting go of control a little bit, there is something you can do.
When you are feeling the need to tell him what to do, or complain about what he is doing, take a deep breath and ask yourself this question: “Is it worth the cost of intimacy in our relationship?” Is it worth causing friction?
Most of the time, the answer will be no. And if you practice this, you will start feeling that sweet freedom of letting go of control!
Imagine for yourself. Feeling closer to your husband. More bonded. More like a team. Imagine a more care-free relationship that is not so worried about every little thing. Imagine looking at each other laughing and smiling and enjoying life.
You can have this if you work on letting go of control. And I can show you how!
It definitely takes practice. And if you are willing to practice this to feel happier and more free in your marriage, I’d love to be by your side and help you. Reach out to me for acomplimentary consultation. We can take a look at where you are, where you want to be and what is holding you back.
Remember! I have created the Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care to help you feel like your best self every day. You will find it on my website.
Don’t forget to join the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
Thank you! See you next week!