Are you and your husband at odds with each other more than you are in harmony these days and you don’t know why? You’re not alone, and I can help. Many of us are unknowingly creating disconnection in our marriages.
I’d like to stress the word “unknowingly” here because there are relationship skills no one has taught us. We go to school to learn reading and writing and math, but they don’t teach us relationship skills.
So my intention here today is to shine a light on a few things that might be breaking down the connection in your marriage and show you how to repair it!
If you would like more inspiration, download my Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care HERE!
And join us in the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
Welcome to A Life Designed.
My name is Tina Haisman. I teach busy moms how to get everything done and still have time and energy for themselves and their families. My passion is for helping women create more heart-to-heart connection with their husband and children so they can feel deeply fulfilled in those most important relationships.
The topic of today’s podcast is 7 Ways to Build More Connection in Your Marriage
But before we get started I want to let you know I have a FREE private group on Facebook where you can come to get inspiration for your life. It’s called A Life Designed. I hope you’ll join us!
Also, I have created a free download call the Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care. It’s a Guide to help you take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit so you can feel like your best self every day. Visit my website tinahaisman.com to download it.
Now let’s Dive IN and talk about 7 Ways to Build More Connection in Your Marriage
One of the ways connection is lost in marriage is through some of the things we do and say to each other, so my intention here today is to shine a light on those things for you to help you avoid breaking down the connection in your marriage.
You will notice these are all little things. But little things add up. And research shows, it’s not necessarily the big things that drive couples apart. It’s the million little things like these.
The goal of this conversation today is to give you information that you might not already have. To help you bring more peace and connectedness into your marriage just with the power of information.
Let’s jump in.
7 Ways to Build More Connection in your Marriage:
1. Be mindful of our tone.
Sometimes we let our emotions get the better of us right? We react in the moment. Let our frustration out on the person standing in front of us. Our husbands feel this harsh criticism and it immediately sends them into defense mode. That prevents them from hearing whatever you are trying to say. The reason it puts them into defense mode is because our harshness hurts their feelings. They take it personal. As you can see, this creates disconnect. So to create more connection, breathe before you speak if you are irritated. Work out your emotions out on paper. Then come back and approach the conversation from a place of peace. It will turn out so much better.
2. Try to understand how he feels when we challenge his knowledge, opinions or decisions – especially in front of others.
This one is a biggie. Researchers have discovered that men have this deep need to feel like their wives respect them and think highly of them. And it’s important for them to feel that way in order to feel connected to us. So, it’s helpful for us to know when we challenge them or criticize them, especially in public, it makes them feel stupid, disrespected and disconnected. This is something to keep in mind and ask ourselves, if what we are going to challenge him on is really that important. I have failed at this more times than I would like to admit. One time at a friend’s wedding I was embarrassed by how my hubby was acting, and I let him know publicly. He has never forgotten that humiliation. I wish someone would have shared this with me years ago to save us from that incident. That’s why I’m sharing with you now.
3. Ask if it’s a good time to talk before launching into a conversation.
Right now, it might be especially relevant as both husbands and wives are working from home. I’m picturing my husband sitting at the kitchen table working on his computer and me wanting to share something with him or ask him something. But he might be deep in thought. So, rather than just launching into whatever we need to say, a better thing to do is to wait for him to take a break or ask if now is a good time to talk. Many women find this makes their hubby much more engaged when the conversation happens! It’s a win-win!
4. Be an active listener.
I think we all love feeling heard. So do our husbands. I know we have a million things pulling at our attention, and our husbands want to be one of them. So trying to be a really good listener and making eye contact when he’s talking and stopping what we are doing will help. Also, one thing men complain about is being interrupted by their wives. It has to do with that need to feel respected and admired. I find taking a deep breath when I am feeling the urge to interrupt helps. We can also try to remember the motto, seek to understand, not to be understood, during discussions, and we will find we can resolve issues more peacefully. Being a great listener will put us on the right track to creating more connection and intimacy.
5. Resist the urge to make fun of them or be sarcastic with them – especially in public.
Once I asked my husband what is the most hurtful thing you feel I have done to you in our marriage. He said, “embarrassing me in public.” Wow. What an eye opener. I know that men seem so strong on the outside, but the truth is they are very sensitive on the inside. Even if they say they’re not. One thing that comes to mind here is how many of us have joked from time to time about our husband’s abilities in parenting or how we feel like he is another one of our children. Although we’re just trying to be funny, it’s at his expense, and he feels it. Many women find their relationship gets smoother after they resist the urge to make those man jokes about him in front of others.
6. Allow him to do things his own way.
It’s so tempting to tell our husbands how we want them to do things all the time. Gosh. If you’re anything like me you might tell your husband how to drive or where to park. Or how to parent the kids. Or how the kitchen should be cleaned up after dinner. It’s all for a good cause, we’re just trying to help, but truth be told, our husbands would rather we didn’t help in this way. When we tell them what to do, they say they feel controlled. And like we do not believe he is capable of figuring it out for himself. I know we don’t think that and that we are just trying to be helpful. But as far as the intimacy and connection in your relationship, sometimes it’s better to let him do things his own way. I know it feels hard, but I promise you, it’s so freeing! It’s one less problem for you to worry about.
7. Take an interest in things he is passionate about.
Honestly, I wish I would have done better at this one just yesterday. My hubby was trying to talk to me about flying, something he loves. But I didn’t slow down to really listen. He was so excited. After I looked back on it, I realized I missed a great opportunity for connection, just by listening fully. We can also take advantage of bonding with our husbands by actually participating in some of their hobbies. Men really love to have a recreation partner in their wife!
So, that’s it. 7 Ways to Build More Connection in Your Marriage.
I’m hoping this information can help you understand your husband AND yourself better. That it can lead to you gently opening up a conversation that will help you both feel more connection and understanding and love in your relationship.
I would be happy to work with you on crafting that conversation if you would like.
So if this is something you would like to work on cultivating further, reach out to me for a Marriage Coaching session.
That’s all I’ve got for today.
Remember! I have created the Ultimate Guide to Guilt-Free Self-Care to help you feel like your best self every day. You will find it on my website.
Don’t forget to join the Life Designed Community on Facebook!
Thank you! See you next week!