You’re Not Really Arguing About What You’re Arguing About

Years ago, I found myself in a familiar pattern with my husband.
He would call me around 6 p.m.—just as the kids and I were waiting for him to sit down for dinner—and say, “Hey, I’m not going to make it home by six.”
And every time, it lit something in me.
I’d snap. I’d huff. I’d feel hurt and unseen.
He’d get defensive. I’d shut down. And just like that, we were in it again.
Stuck in the same loop.
But here’s the thing:
It was never just about the time.
It was about me holding the weight of the evening alone.
It was about the thousand invisible tasks I’d already done that day.
It was about my longing to feel like we were a team.
And for him?
It wasn’t about being late.
It was about not wanting to disappoint me.
It was about juggling pressure at work and not knowing how to say, “I’m trying my best.”
We weren’t fighting about the clock.
We were aching to feel seen.
That’s the quiet truth about many marriage arguments:
You’re not really arguing about what you’re arguing about.
You’re arguing about what’s underneath.
The emotion.
The unspoken story.
The need that hasn’t had a safe place to land.
This is why communication in marriage can feel so exhausting—because we’re often trying to solve the surface issue without ever naming the heart issue.
But the good news is this:
There’s a way to break that cycle.
There’s a way to move from reactivity to reconnection.
It starts with one intentional conversation.
That’s why I created a free resource for couples called the Marriage Meeting Guide.
It’s a gentle weekly rhythm to help you check in before things boil over.
Inside, you’ll find:

• Easy prompts to share appreciation, needs and concerns
• A rhythm to talk about both logistics and emotions
• A framework to rebuild trust, empathy and partnership over time

It’s not complicated.
It’s not long.
It’s just intentional.
And it can change everything.
Click here to download the Marriage Meeting Guide
Because your marriage deserves more than survival.
It was meant for connection, joy and a deep “we” that holds you both—even on the hard days.