I’m Doing Everything—Why Doesn’t He See Me?

I can remember the exact moment I broke.
Dinner was ready. Kids were fussy. I was fried.
And then my phone buzzed.
It was my husband letting me know—again—that he wasn’t going to make it home in time for dinner. 
That was not what I needed. What I needed was someone--especially him—to see how hard I was trying to hold it all together.

​He wasn’t coming. And I felt it all at once:
Unloved. Unimportant. Invisible. Alone.
So, I did what I had done many times before: I got angry. I snapped. We fought.
And for years, we cycled through that same pattern—frustration, blame, silence, repeat.
The more I raised my voice, the less I felt heard.
We were keeping score—me, on everything I was doing. Him, on everything I wasn’t understanding.
And we were missing the one thing that could have softened everything: empathy.

What Is Empathy, Really?
Empathy is not just “feeling bad” for someone. It’s the sacred pause to say:
“Let me try to understand what it feels like to be you right now.”
And in marriage? That pause can be everything.
On the SYMBIS assessment I use in coaching, empathy is one of the qualities we measure. And so often, couples score low—not because they don’t care about each other, but because they are too tired, stretched and hurt to slow down long enough to care well.

When You’re Both Carrying a Lot
In the thick of marriage and motherhood, we’re all carrying something heavy:

• A sick child
• A long work week
• Loneliness, insecurity or feeling behind
• Meals that need making, dishes that need doing, tears that need wiping

When we don’t name the weight we're carrying, we start comparing it.
We keep score.
And we forget that marriage is not a competition—it’s a covenant.
Empathy isn’t about excusing behavior.
It’s about softening your heart just enough to see the person behind the pain.

What Helped Me Shift
Years into our marriage, I started learning how to say:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I need help tonight—can you be home by 6?”
And my husband started saying things like:
“I’m sorry. I know that matters to you. I’ll do my best.”
Did it fix everything overnight? No.
But it softened the atmosphere.
It stopped the fighting.
And it helped us start working on the real stuff beneath the surface.

A Question for Your Heart Today
If your marriage feels tense, disconnected or full of unspoken resentment—take a breath.
Ask yourself:
“Where could I pause and choose empathy instead of offense?”
And maybe even more gently:
“Where do I need empathy right now—from God, from my spouse or from myself?”

You’re Not Alone
Marriage isn’t easy.
But it is holy.
And it becomes more sacred—not less—when you learn to lead with grace instead of keeping score.
If you’re craving more empathy in your marriage but don’t know where to begin, I’d love to walk with you. Coaching gives you the space to process and the tools to move forward with clarity and grace.​
Book a free consultation or send me a message if this resonates. I’d be honored to hear your story.